Part 5 - Stanley Discovers a Half Naked Livingston

(Please read the previous episodes before reading this posting)
Part 1 - Meet Jack Collins
Part 2 - Jack Would Rather Be in the Coffin Than Giving the Eulogy
Part 3 - Danielle's Ultimatum
Part 4 - Mr. Bond's Great Escape

Warren finds Jack safe in his apartment but jack remembers nothing of his bold escape.

INT. JACK’S APARTMENT - NIGHT.
The setting sun can just be seen through the blinds. The apartment is quiet, except for the TICKING of a clock. We can see Jack lying face down on the floor, still in his hospital gown. His BACK is slowly rising and falling, so we know he is still alive.

.

The phone RINGS three times and the machine picks up.

.

VOICE OF DIRTY HARRY

Go ahead, make my day...

.

VOICE OF JACK

and leave me a message. BEEP.

.

VOICE OF DANIELLE
(she is frantic)

Jack? Jack? Are you there? Please pick up.
We’re all looking for you, Warren, his mom.
-- We’re all worried.

.

Danielle is on the edge of tears as her VOICE CHOKES.

.

VOICE OF DANIELLE (CONT’D)

Call me, please. -- Make my day.

.

Her SLIGHT SOBS can be heard as she hangs up.The phone call has woken Jack. He starts to stir, slowly pushing himself up on his elbows, then on all fours. Sitting back on his heels, he holds his head and groans. Jack looks down and sees he is wearing a hospital gown. He looks around the apartment completely stunned at what could have happened to him, or worse, what had he done.

.

There is POUNDING at the door.

.

WARREN (CONT’D)
(through the door)

Jack!? Buddy? You home?

.

He POUNDS three more times.

.

WARREN (CONT’D)
(through the door)

It’s Warren. Can you open the door?

.

We can hear someone else has come into the hallway.

.

WARREN (CONT’D)
(through the door)

Oh, hey, hey Ma’am? Excuse me. Do you know
if Jack Collins is home? -- The man who
lives here?

.

Pause. There are INAUDIBLE MURMURINGS from in the hallway. Jack has not moved.

.

WARREN (CONT’D)
(through the door)

Then what the hell good are you? Stop
wasting my time.

.

We hear HIGH-PITCHED INDIGNATION.

.

WARREN (CONT’D)
(through the door)

Oh nice, very ladylike. You touch your
grandkids with that finger?

.

Warren bangs on the door again.

.

WARREN (CONT’D)
(through the door)

Jack? Jack?

.

Jack struggles to his feet and walks to the door. It is unlocked. Jack has not left his apartment door unlocked in years.

.

JACK
(quizzically)

What the...?

.

He opens the door. Warren is standing there, arm raised about to pound on the door again.

.

WARREN

Jack!!

.

Warren lunges forward and grabs Jack around the shoulders. He then bear hugs him lifting him off the ground, but in doing so has to drop his hands down Jack’s back. Warren hasn’t realized that Jack is wearing a hospital gown and in his eagerness at seeing his friend is now in direct and
unwelcome contact with Jack’s bare buttocks.

.

WARREN (CONT'D)
(with shock and disgust)

Whoa, man. What are you doing hanging
around without your gaunch on? That’s just
rude.

.

JACK
(with great confusion)

I -- I just woke up. On the floor.

.

WARREN

Oh I’ve been there, done that and I have
the t-shirt to prove it. Sounds like good
times.

.

Warren pushes past Jack into the apartment. He plops down on the couch as though he is on the edge of exhaustion, taking up twice the space a person needs.

.

JACK

No, I didn’t get hammered -- at least I
don’t think so. I can’t remember...

.

WARREN

Hey, I can’t blame you Buddy. You got any
crude stitching on your bod? Still have
both kidneys? Being in the hospital can be
traumatic. I would’ve been tempted to tie
one too. Speaking of which... you got any

cold one’s in the fridge?

.

Warren pushes himself off the couch and walks to the kitchen. Warren rummages around in the refrigerator looking for beer. Jack follows him into the kitchen.

.

JACK

When was I in the hospital?

.

WARREN

Today. Well, last night actually. You
checked yourself out this morning. That’s
why we’re out looking for you.

.

Warren emerges beerless from the refrigerator and closes the door.

.

JACK

I don’t remember any of that at all. The
last thing I remember was boxing up all my
movie stuff -- then waking up here in this
stupid gown. -- Where are my clothes? And
why are my feet all dirty?

.

WARREN
(laughing)

Oh, that’s the best part.

.

Warren walks past Jack back into the living room. He starts to dial the phone on the table beside the couch.

.

WARREN

When I said you ‘checked yourself out’,
apparently it was more like you ‘busted
out’.

.

Jack just stands in the kitchen doorway unable to grasp what he’s being told.

.

WARREN (CONT'D)

You smoked the doctor over the head with
the meal tray and hustled out a back
stairway. Not even a goodbye to your
roommate. Mr. Steinburg says hello by the
way. We’re still trying to piece together
what happened after that, but there are
unconfirmed reports of a man on a stolen
Vespa wearing only a hospital gown riding
erratically through the downtown. Now I’m
no detective, but I do know two and two
make five. Any chance we’ll find a Vespa in
the apartment?

.

On the other end of the phone Danielle’s MACHINE picks up.

.

WARREN (CONT'D)
(into the phone)

Hi, Danielle. I’ve found him safe and sound
at home. But it looks like he’s lost his
sense of modesty. I’ll hang out here until
you come.

.

Warren hangs up.

.

WARREN (CONT’D)

Seriously Dude. I’ve been here five minutes
already and you’re still hanging your moon.
Put on some pants.

.

JACK

Sorry.

.

Warren takes Jack’s shoulders and points him toward his bedroom.

.

WARREN

Don’t apologize. Just -- do something with
-- all that. Sanitize.

.

Jack turns. We follow him as he walks down the hall to his bedroom. He passes the den and stops. The room is bare of the movie paraphernalia, except for one remaining box he did not yet take down to the street. Jack shakes his head and goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.

.

CUT TO:

INT. DANIELLE’S CAR – NIGHT.
Danielle has been driving around looking for Jack. She dials into her cell phone and we hear WARREN’S MESSAGE over the speaker. Her eyes begin to tear up and immediately turns the car.

.

INT. JACK’S APARTMENT - NIGHT.
Jack emerges from his bedroom dressed and comes into the kitchen to find Warren cooking. He has been gone for no more that 10 minutes, but in this time Warren has managed to turn the kitchen into a war zone. He has used nearly every pot and pan. Steam is rising from a pot on the stove that has spaghetti noodles escaping over the top, sauce is spattered on the cupboards and for some reason there are scrambled eggs on the counter.

.

WARREN

Hey, there he is. Feel better?

.

Jack is horrified at the sight of his kitchen. Warren’s demolition is another is a series of events that have recently robbed him of any control.

.

JACK

What are you doing?

.

WARREN

Supper. You gotta be hungry. I understand
you didn’t even get your pudding at the
hospital.

.

JACK

Yeah, but did you have to cook everything I
have?

.

WARREN

Hey, don’t tell me about how to eat.
(rubs his prodigious stomach)
I don’t tell you how to be crazy.

.

Warren hands Jack a heaping plate of spaghetti.

.

JACK

I’ve never seen so much food on one plate
before.

.

Jack pulls up a forkful of spaghetti that contains olives, hotdog bits, pickles and other unrecognizable accessories.

.

JACK (CONT'D)

Or has contained so many ill suited
ingredients. -- Are you pregnant?

.

The door bursts open and Danielle rushes in.

.

DANIELLE

Jack!

.

Danielle rushes to Jack and grabs him, causing the pile of spaghetti to slip to the floor.

.

WARREN

Great. All that work wasted.

.

She continues to kiss him oblivious of the mess, or Warren.

.

DANIELLE

Oh thank God, you’re all right. I was so
worried. Everyone was.

.

She continues to pepper his face with kisses.

.

DANIELLE (CONT'D)

Why did you leave the hospital?

.

JACK

I don’t know. I don’t remember even being
there.

.

DANIELLE

You don’t remember hitting the doctor?

.

JACK

Nope.

.

DANIELLE

Or running off in your gown?

.

JACK

No, but I do remember having my ass
grabbed in it by Warren.

.

WARREN

I think that’s my cue to leave.

.

Warren grabs his jacket from the counter and heads to the door.

.

JACK

Thanks for all your...help.

.

WARREN

Don’t mention it.

.

JACK

I’m sure just burning down the kitchen will
be the best way to clean it.

.

WARREN

Ungrateful friend. I don’t know why I
bother carpooling with you as a favor.

.

Warren closes the door behind him.

.

JACK
(sarcastically)

I can't understand why you don’t

like him.

.

DANIELLE

It escapes me, but I’m sure it will come
back. Now what do you say we check you out
and make sure there are no broken bones?

.

Danielle takes Jack by the hand and leads him down the hall to the bedroom.

.

JACK

Well, you can never be too careful.

.

DANIELLE

Yes. It’s the mature thing to do.

.

They close the bedroom door behind them.

FADE OUT.